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Humour Thread

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    Posted: 17 Apr 2016 at 11:33
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Northman View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (2) Thanks(2)   Quote Northman Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 17 Apr 2016 at 20:41
4 questions


Q: Why were the early days of history called the dark ages?

A: Because there were so many knights! 

Q: Why is England the wettest country?
A: Because the queen has reigned there for years! 

Q: How did the Vikings send secret messages?
A: By norse code! 

Q: Who invented fractions?
A: Henry the 1/4th! 
   
   If you can't explain it simply, you don't understand it well enough.    (Albert Einstein)
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote franciscosan Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 27 Apr 2016 at 06:06
There are two things
things wrong with 
this sentence.
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (1) Thanks(1)   Quote Northman Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 27 Apr 2016 at 09:46
A old woman gets pulled over for speeding 88 MPH in a 45zone. 
The cop asks for his drivers license and the she says, "I'm sorry officer, but my license was suspended after my 5th Accident."
The cop asks for her registration and she says, "It's in the glove compartment, but it's not in my name because I stole this car in a car jacking and I killed the woman that owns the car and stuffed her in the trunk and the gun I used is in the glove compartment."

At this point, the cop tells the old woman to keep her hands in sight and he radios for back-up.
When a supervisor shows up, the cop tells him the story and he walks up to the woman in the car. 

The supervisor asks to see her drivers license and she hands it over and it is valid with her real name and information. The supervisor asks for the registration and the woman says, "It's in the Glove compartment."
The supervisor tells the woman to keep her hands in sight and walks around to the passenger side and opens the glove compartment.
There is the registration in her name and everything seems in order.
Next the supervisor asks the old woman to get out and open the trunk. She opens the trunk and the only thing there is a spare tire.
At this point the supervisor tells the woman what the other cop had told him - stealing the car - killing the owner.

The old woman says "I bet That lying SonOfaBitch probably told you I was speeding too huh!"



Edited by Northman - 27 Apr 2016 at 09:48
   
   If you can't explain it simply, you don't understand it well enough.    (Albert Einstein)
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Guests Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 30 May 2016 at 12:00
Another one of my creations. I'm beginning to understand why MLK felt the need to plagiarise 40% of his doctoral thesis...


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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (3) Thanks(3)   Quote Northman Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 30 May 2016 at 22:30
   
   If you can't explain it simply, you don't understand it well enough.    (Albert Einstein)
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Panther Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 07 Jun 2016 at 20:15
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Panther Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 07 Jun 2016 at 20:20
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote toyomotor Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 25 Dec 2016 at 05:49
An elderly male patient, in hospital, was being attended by a nurse. The patient asked, "Are my testicles black?" "No'" said the nurse. But just to be safe she asked the senior nurse to corroberate her findings.

The senior nurse came in and the old man asked,"Are my testicles black?" The senior nurse pulled away the sheets and took his penis in her hand, she gently lifted his testicles, and said," No, they certainly are not."

By this time the patient was getting quite exasperated and demanded to see the doctor.

When the doctor arrived, he took the thermometer from the patients mouth, and asked,"What seems to be the trouble?"

The old man said, "For the third time, ARE MY TEST RESULTS BACK?"


God created 2nd Lieutenants for the amusement of Senior NCO's.
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote truthsetsfree Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 25 Dec 2016 at 13:12
knock knock
who's there
Scooby
Scooby Who? (- Mine)

what did the chicken say when he went to the library?
book book book (- a friend Kerry's)

where are nappies first mentioned in the bible?
they brought the baby Jesus treasures (- told at a christian group meeting.)

A pastor was preaching on heaven and at the start he said "who wants to go to heaven?" Everyone put up their hands.
Then he pulled out a revolver. (- told by a christian speaker in a radio recording.)

Where are Martians mentioned in King Arthur story?
A. the Green man. (- mine, tho not very good.)

What is the most frequented place in K Arthur? A. Came alot.

Who was K Arthur's largest knight?
Sir Cumference.

"if the world didn't suck we'd all fall off"

a pseudonym someone here was once going to use was Neil Down

a name i used on a couple of forums is "Rob Banks".
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (1) Thanks(1)   Quote truthsetsfree Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 27 Dec 2016 at 02:54
Little John [John Deyville] was Robin Hood's [Robert Deyville's] Big Brother.

edit post: Sorry it turns out that joke about Little John was stupidly wrong. It turns out Robin Hood is Roger Godberd not Robert Deyville, though Little John  does still seem to be John Deyville.
So i guess the joke (& thanks?) was on me.



Edited by truthsetsfree - 28 Dec 2016 at 06:35
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote LouisFerdinand Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 02 Jan 2017 at 03:30
Remember: Don't insult the Alligator till after you cross the river.    Cry       
  
To make time fly, throw your watch out the window.  ClapClap
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